I wake to my husband's voice saying "breathe, just breathe". The day has barely started and the overwhelming feeling of stress takes over me. "You need to exercise to release some of that stress," my concerned husband says. Now I am on the defensive; I hate gyms and I don’t have time. Why did he just suggest that? My husband gets ready in 5 minutes and out the door he goes, to set off on his journey to work.
I sit in bed thinking 'if only I could wake, drink a cup of tea, get ready in 5 minutes, worry just about me and out the door I go.' Reality for me is it’s the start of half term - ARGGGGG! - my son and grandson are at home all week with me. I will have no me-time, I haven't got time to exercise or breathe, so it feels. It is only a matter of time before the children wake, the demands will start, and I switch into meeting everyone's needs but my own.
This morning the children have the dentist, I couldn’t even get my son out of the house yesterday to go to the cinema - something he enjoys. I know this morning will be another battle. Before I even get out of bed my chest is tight, I am dreading the day and already I want it over. The texts from my daughter start, I feel I must respond. I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care, but the texts keep coming and I need to get out of bed.
I head downstairs to a kitchen that needs clearing from the night before, as come 7ish I am already so drained I must sit and rest. I put the washing machine on, make the beds, get myself ready, check my emails and decide to write a post for you all. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs, "Nannie put the TV on", "Nannie make my breakfast", "Nannie I need a drink", here I go ... I am back for how long, I don’t know.
I now have the sound of children’s TV in my ear, my tinnitus is loud, my own senses are starting to get overwhelmed with the TV noise and constant questions from my grandson, whilst I am thinking about what I need to do next. I must hold things together, keep organised or the day will go wrong. Everyone is counting on me to get us through the day as smoothly and calmly as possible and the last thing I need to deal with is meltdowns.
Our team really do live this journey with you, although I still have a level of stress, anxiety and overwhelm today, compared to 7 years ago this is me in a good place. I used support services like Neurodivergent Abilities and it helps. I spoke to others that understood, listened without judgement and taught me strategies to manage the battles. The biggest thing it helped with was my own mindset, so although things are still a challenge at times - after all no support service can make things perfect for you - I am stronger, more resilient, choose my battles and know I am a good mum, as I give what I am mentally able to give, and I believe I can do this.
I want time out, of course I do, but who is offering to give me that? Services are aimed at children, albeit not great. Time out for me is being around others I can be myself and feel comfortable around, those who understand because they live it, too. I don’t want to explain myself or answer lots of questions, sometimes I just want to say 'it’s been one of those days' and others say, 'I know what you mean.' Time out is not going to the gym, where I feel on edge, or a night out on the town, drinking. Our team will work hard to bring more opportunities for us adults, who have lives in common, to meet, as we care about how you feel.